What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
