these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
