Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
