Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
