Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
