I'm jealous of your bromance
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
