we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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