I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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