I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
