Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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