If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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