last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
