Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
