Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
