I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
