please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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