When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
