from now on my penis is your penis
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
