I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
