I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
