Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
