Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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