A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
