dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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