Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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