my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm like, not good at living.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
