You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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