Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
3pm strippers are depressing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
