Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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