Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
