You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
