When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
