This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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