I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
