The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
