So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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