i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
