I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
