He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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