I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
