how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i wish my penis had a tongue
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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