You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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