i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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