Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
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For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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