I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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