did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
