Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
