I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
