you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When are your genitals available?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
