dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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