my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
