you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
