Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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