He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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