She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
