my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
