So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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