I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
