the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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