Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
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I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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